1. Presence
2. Impermanence
3. Non-attachment
4. Inter-being
5. Perfect-as-is

One Sunday in October, years ago, I was driving my family to visit a wonderful Halloween maze created every year by a farmer in his field. I don’t recall what I was thinking about, but I was preoccupied with something related to my work, trying to figure something out. In our terminology, I was operating within the change paradigm, busily trying to solve something. At the same time I recognized that my wife and our two sons were engaged with each other, laughing and having a good time. I was torn between my silent preoccupations and my wish to just be there, having a good time, with them. I was, you might say, not present. I wanted to shift gears, to leave my work behind and to join the fun. It was not easy. Intention alone was not enough. Then I decided to focus my attention entirely on my breath—my in breath, my out breath, and the associated sensations. I was able to do that, and to just let go of the preoccupations. Within about a minute, I was laughing with my wife and kids.

When we operate from the change paradigm we are driving toward a destination, a change of some kind. It’s all about “getting from here to there.” We focus on a target, we summon the force we need, we monitor our progress and persevere in the face of obstacles, we assess the obstacles and approach them strategically, and we push like hell. As Churchill said, “never, never, never give up.” In stark contrast, when we operate from the acceptance paradigm, there is no destination. We arrive—we wake up, so to speak—in this very moment, just noticing things as they are. While Change focuses on doing, Acceptance focuses on being. When we push for change, our focus narrows, as our minds selectively attend to destinations and obstacles. When we wake up to this moment with acceptance, our focus expands, and we recognize the factual elements in us and around us—sensations, movement, perceptions, thoughts as they float through, details of the world around us. We don’t “enter” the present moment, stepping into it; we wake up to it, as it is already there.

Paradigms of Change and Acceptance are radically different from each other, opposites in some respects. As such, they make wonderful partners for coping with life, each being the counterpoint of the other. Let’s say we are pushing for some kind of change. We inevitably encounter an obstacle, which may seem insurmountable in that moment. We might push harder. Still no success. We then have the option to step back from the push. We can pivot from change to acceptance. We can allow our minds to expand into this very moment, unburdened by the attachment to a destination. In that “new space,” we experience things differently. We see things differently. We take a breath, we “look around.” We increase our patience. We might then notice, from the spacious place of acceptance, what has been blocking our way. If so, we can elect to pivot back into the change paradigm, armed with wider awareness and a new strategy as we continue our journey. We are probably most effective when we pursue change with 100% of our being, and then when we pivot to acceptance, we wake up to the moment with 100% of our being, rather than to find a compromise, a mid-point, between the two. In the next blog, I will discuss the Dialectical Paradigm, where we will discuss the value of finding the optimal synthesis between acceptance and change. Now let’s break down the acceptance paradigm into five more specific ingredients, each of which brings a slightly different flavor.

Presence

I keep mentioning being present. The first acceptance principle is presence, by which I refer to the effort to bring attention, again and again, to the present moment, without judgment. We bring our minds back, again and again, to this moment, in which we are aware of perceptions, sensations, bodily reactions, actions, emotions, thoughts, and what is going on around us. In the practice of DBT, this serves not only to ground the therapist in the reality of the moment, but also tends to communicate to the patient, whether the words are spoken or not, “my dear patient, I am present, I am here for you right now.” For anyone to arrive into the present moment in the middle of difficult times, anytime in life, is to create space and freedom when we are feeling confined and pressured. We find the eye in the middle of the hurricane.

Impermanence

The second acceptance principle is impermanence, which refers to our acute awareness that this present and unique moment is the only moment, never to be repeated, in an endless flow of unique moments. To be aware of impermanence is to deepen our participation in the present moment. If we bring this awareness into our interactions with others, the perspective can come through, influencing the whole encounter, and can generate a similar perspective in the other(s). We recognize the impermanency of everything in the universe, and we correspondingly appreciate the preciousness of now. If we bring the same perspective to a distressing situation which has given rise to the belief that it will never change, we know that it will indeed change, that it is in fact changing at that moment, and it can bring hope and temper impatience. I’m not sure why I keep thinking of things that were said by Winston Churchill, but when London was gong through hell during World War II, he said: “when you are going through hell, just keep going.” He communicated an essential faith that things are changing, in spite of all appearances.

Non-attachment

The third acceptance principle, which is part and parcel of being in the present moment, is non-attachment, which refers to the practice of letting go of our attachments: not attachments to people, but attachments to our beliefs, our desires, our perceptions and expectations. We tend to cling to what we think “should” be true, usually things that bring us pleasure: that we should stay young, that we should stay healthy, that we should not lose those people close to us, that nothing should stand in our way, that we should be appreciated, be happy, be successful, and have the partners and families of our dreams. We suffer when we are attached in these ways, since life will inevitably disappoint us, sometimes harshly. With non-attachment, we relinquish our insistence that life take any particular preferred course. I find it to be a paradox within the practice of DBT that even though it is an outcome-oriented treatment, validated ultimately by accomplishing its goals, it is best practiced when the therapist repeatedly returns to the present moment, letting go of desired outcomes. To be too attached to the outcomes for which we strive can lead to the therapists’ disappointment, emotional dysregulation, and burnout. Similarly, in life in general, by letting go of attachments, along with resting our attention in the here and now, we cultivate freshness, resiliency, freedom, humor, and curiosity. There is no contradiction between non-attachment and the pursuit of a better life or world.

Inter-being

The fourth acceptance principle is inter-being. This refers to several interrelated core insights: 1) that from a certain perspective there is no such thing as boundaries, 2) that there is no such thing as self, 3) that any entity is made up entirely of other entities (which is known as emptiness in Buddhist thinking), and 4) that the degree of interdependency among all phenomena is deep and constant. The awareness and practice of inter-being promotes the dissolution of boundaries between patient and therapist, promotes the sense that “we are in it together,” and increases the therapist’s genuineness and reciprocity. Awareness of non-self helps the therapist to realize that his behaviors are influenced by context and contingencies as much as the patient’s behaviors. He is able to see reality more objectively and to consider the mutual influences between him, the patient, and the context. The linked concepts of inter-being are valuable to anyone, to realize that in our families, in our social milieus, in our places of work, and so on, we are wise to see that we are all embedded in an exquisitely interconnected web of relationships, information, and energy, constantly influenced by each other, and less unique and separate than we usually think.

Perfect-as-is

The fifth and final acceptance principle is perfect-as-is, by which we refer to the understanding that everything emerges from causes and conditions, and that everything is therefore exactly as it should be whether we like it or not. Flowing from the awareness of this reality is the whole set of validation strategies in the practice of DBT. It promotes radical acceptance of reality, reduces the suffering that results from denying reality, and helps the therapist (or anyone else!) to maintain his or her balance and freshness.
So if you find yourself engaged in a frustrating effort to change reality, if you experience yourself as preoccupied with your attachments to things as they ought to be, and your patience and resilience are wearing thin, you might shift over to this entirely other frame of reference: acceptance. You can then wake up to the realities of the present moment, letting go of attachments to the past or future, recognize that each moment is unique and fleeting, that things are changing whether you see it or not, that everything is deeply interdependent on everything else, that we are all in it together and that we influence those around us all the time, and that in fact, whether you like it or not, things are exactly as they should be, given everything that came before. And hopefully, in that rich package of acceptance-based principles, you will find yourself refreshed, more resilient, more alive, more compassionate, and ultimately more effective.